Buckle up for a roller coaster of emotions & a hell of a lot of truth!
I haven’t written a personal blog in some time & since I have had the chance to settle down a little after a busy summer and before my crazy fall season approaches there are a lot of things I have been able to sit back and reflect on. hopefully you don’t find it a complete bore.
I think this summer was one that struck a cord for me. One much different and upsetting than the past yet very rewarding in so many aspects as well. As most, I made short term goals for myself and one being figuring out WTF* (excuse my language) I am going to do with my life. If your thinking I am being dramatic than why yes I would completely agree but all honesty I am a freakin dramatic person (ask my husband). I am in my late twenties, I am happily married to the love of my life, we have a rescue pup who is spoiled, a family that surrounds us with love and support and I am blessed to be comfortable and living in our little home.
Not so bad right?
Well what you see on the outside is not always what is in the heart, I have been torn with having the right “career path” since I was in college (the place you kind of figure that sh*t out) I transferd schools, switched majors, more than I can count and still feel like I have not figured it out. I get the question … “Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years?'“ an ungodly amount of times and I find myself extremely embarrassed to even answer. Most (actually everyone) tells me to quite my job in the school district and take photography full time. Do you know how many times I wished to do so, how many times I told myself by this time next year….blah blah blah. I still tell myself that but yet I have such an enormous feeling of doubt. Not that I can’t do it or that I can’t support my family by doing so but because I don’t know if I want to make photography a “job,” I want to always have that feeling of passion, to capture something so special for someone that will last years of memories. I choose to do photography not for extra money or because it is what my degree is in. I want to be eager to arrive at your photoshoots. To wake up on a Sunday morning and edit to my hearts content. This is a hobby (or whatever you want to call it) I continue to grow in and (damn) can I just be happy where I am in that.
Am I worn out sometimes…. burning both ends of the candle (heck yes) but who doesn’t. I have learned as I continue to age that life will never be perfect it will never be smooth sailing. Sometimes I have to remind myself this is my life, others may always be there to tell me what they think is right that I may be making the wrong decisions but who are they to tell me how my happiness should look.
I have been working in the school district with children with special needs for the past five years. I never thought I would love this job but I have grown to truly appreciate and acknowledge how special these children are and every little achievement and milestone they reach is worth every tough day. I am blessed to be able to form these close relationships, building their trust and respect. It is something I do not think anyone could understand unless you experienced this joy all on your own. My position does not pay well nor does it have a great reputation but that has never veered me from continuing this career. Some may take it as a stepping stone to teaching or becoming a certified behavior analysis but me, I just think being an ABA is enough. I shouldn’t feel embarrassed or unaccomplished with not wanting to continue my degree for a higher position when I already love what I do. I have bad days just like everyone else but sometimes when the positives out weigh the negatives it is enough.
So this summer as I dove into my photography business I came to the conclusion that I am happy working both jobs, burning both ends of the candle, and that is enough for me.
In the world we live in we are always judged for what we look like, how skinny we are, who are friends are, how we dress, what our careers are the list goes on…. but as someone who has dealt with depression and has cared way too much what people thought of me in the past. I only hope to continue to grow into the best person I possibly can and to surround myself with those who will not judge me for the real me!
Portraits by Caroline Gilbody Photography